A Shattered Heart

Dear family and friends,

This week I write to you with exactly that, a heart that feels like it’s been twisted and torn apart. But I’ll get to that a little later in my letter. First off thank you all for your prayers in my behalf, I have truly been able to feel them this week and believe that they are what has kept me strong for this long.

This week we had exchanges with the Sister Training Leaders in Mendoza!!! It was great!! There are two of them, one from Mexico and one from California. Luckily I was blessed to get the one from the States so we could speak English together;) But It was such a blessing to be able to talk with Sister Gonzalez (from Mexico), she said that she thinks that by the time I’m done with my mission I’ll sound like a native. She told me that my Spanish is very good and not only that but my accent is too!!! WooHoo!! just got to practice;) It’s pretty amazing cause now I can basically understand everything that everyone else says, and I’m getting to the point where I can say what I want to too – it’s still a little broken, but you all know it’s a process - poco a poco. Anyway those exchanges were great, except Sister Louris (my companion) and I didn’t get much work done, because the mission nurse (the enferma) wanted to get me a brace for my knee, an ice pack, stretches and stuff like that because I was in Mendoza (so obviously it made sense) and Sister Louris had health problems she needed to get worked out too, so we only taught like 2 lessons, but it was good and it was necessary! So that was fun!

Then things started to go downhill..... each day this week my knee has gotten increasingly worse and worse. I haven’t wanted to say anything too much about it to the enferma, my companion, or President Goates, because I don’t want to go home, but each day the pain has risen. So we got back from exchanges on Wednesday night and went to leave the pension, and honestly I felt like I couldn’t walk. I could walk, but there was lots of pain and it was very slowly. So we went to an appointment, but it was difficult for me to focus during the appointment because of the pain. That night (and each night since) I struggled to sleep because of the pain. My companion had noticed this increasing pain, the nurse had been keeping in contact with me and she had been telling President Goates my continual daily regression. So on Friday, I think, I got a call from President Goates. He asked me to tell him my situation from beginning to end, then he talked to doctors about it and on Saturday I got a phone call from him. He said this wasn’t a good situation, and that he was going to have to send me home. My heart broke.

I don’t want to leave here. I love it here. I love the work, I love the people, but in my broken heart I know that I can’t “serve with all my might, mind, and strength” if I have very little to give. My knee right now is hindering my ability to serve God with my all. He deserves my all, and I want to give my all. But I have hope! Although I am returning home, it’s only for a short time. After my knee has recovered with whatever therapies or surgeries or other remedies it may need, I can return! President Goates reassured me of this! I am so sad to have to leave, but I know it will only be “for but a small moment” and then I will be able to return to this service. I will be able to finish my mission.

President Goates wanted to send me home this week, but I asked him if I could PLEASE stay for one more week! Gustavo is getting baptized on Saturday! And although I know that it would still count even if I wasn’t there, I want so badly to be able to attend! Not to mention, if I leave, my companion will probably be taken to a different area for this week (cause there’s only one week left in this transfer) and so she wouldn’t be able to teach Gustavo the final two times this week or hold a baptism service for him. Thankfully I get to stay!!! I just need to have enough strength to get through this week. I am a little bit nervous for it, because the pain does increase more and more everyday, and sleeping is really getting difficult, but I don’t care! Gustavo is worth it! His soul is precious, I feel so privileged to have been a part of teaching him the Gospel, but I think he may have taught me more along the way. Yesterday in church we asked him about smoking, he still hasn’t been able to stop:/ but he has incredible faith! He told us in one our lessons that he believes that as soon as he is baptized the addiction he has will go away - I believe this too, but he still needs to stop. But yesterday he told us of a very special experience he had. He said he had a dream a couple of nights ago of a man. An older man with white hair and a white beard. In his dream the man told him that he was going to help him (Gustavo) stop smoking. Wow. Then Gustavo said that he believes this week he will be able to stop. He told us he didn’t know who the man was, but he believes that it wasn’t just an ordinary dream, it was an answer to his prayers. Gustavo’s heart is so strong and his desires to do right are so good. I am so blessed to have been a part of teaching him in this time, and am so, so happy that I get to see him enter the waters of baptism this Saturday!

I never wanted to be in this situation, in fact going home early from my mission was almost the last situation I ever wanted to be in. But know this: I am not going home early. I am simply having to “pause” my mission in order to recover so I can give more. I know this is a sacred, special work. I desire to give my all to this work. Right now I am trying to give all I have, but truth is right now I can’t. The truth is, if you can’t walk you can’t work. I am only going home because I know by so doing, by letting myself get the help I need, I will be able to become a more qualified servant of the Lord. My heart is here, my heart is in the work. I only desire to do the will of my Heavenly Father. This will only be for a moment. But be assured, I will finish the work that He has for me to do. And I know that God has a plan, I know that He is aware of me. He is aware of me in the situation, and He will take care of me. He will help me to become the missionary, and the daughter that He wants me to be. There are times in all our lives when our plans fall through, but I know that through each of those times and difficulties God is aware of us. I know that He will lead us through our trials. Christ knows us and how to help us through our struggles. If we’ll only give Him our hand He will lead us. He will take us by the hand, like He did for Peter, “He stretched forth His hand IMMEDIATELY.” Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ want us to succeed just as much and more than we even want to. They are on our team. They will help me through this trial, and I know that they will help each of you through yours too. This is not easy, I don’t want to return home, but I know that God will support me physically, emotionally, and spiritually through this. God will never punish us for serving Him willingly. I know God will help me and enable me to do His will for me. I desire only to serve Him. Christ and our Father in Heaven love us so much, I know during this time I can trust them, and although for a couple of months I won’t be able to wear the missionary nametag, I can still serve them. I desire to do so, and I desire to return to the mission field after my recovery.

I love you all. I thank you for your prayers, please keep praying that I might be able to have strength to see Gustavo make precious covenants this weekend. Please know that I know this church is true. I desire only to serve God. I know that just as He will help me through this time, He will help you as well. I know that He loves me, and I know that He loves you, He is our Father. Because of His love for us, He will always help us. Christ and our Father in Heaven will never leave us alone. I know this is true. And although my knee and heart are broken, I know because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, our brother, both my heart and my knee can be healed, and can become stronger than they were before. With more abilities to serve others, our Savior, and our Heavenly Father. I know this is possible, and I know that it is a blessing that applies to all men, not just me, but to those I am blessed to teach as well, and to you in each of your lives.

I love and like you all!

Thank you for your prayers.

Hermana Anderson

(A note from Raquel's Dad -- I believe Raquel will be leaving Argentina on Tuesday, February 9, and arrive here in Salt Lake City on Wednesday, February 10. We have an appointment with a doctor set up for the next day.)